Abandonment

It isn’t just being upset about…

The forgotten call, the unanswered texts, being left on read.
The parent who forgets your birthday,
The friend who changed when you started showing emotion.
The partner who made your pain feel like an inconvenience.

Abandonment doesn’t always scream,
It doesn’t always make a mess or leave wounds, cuts or grazes.
Sometimes, it ghosts.
Sometimes, it stays in the room but won’t meet your eyes.
Sometimes, it says “you’re too much” without ever moving its lips.

The worse part? You start believing it’s you — not the pattern.
So you try harder.
You shrink.
You numb.
You mask.
You completely disappear from yourself just to keep them close.

And sometimes? The wound goes underground.
It burrows deep — embedded in trauma, fused with grief, hidden in habits you didn’t choose but had to develop.

Until one day… there’s nothing left to give.
Just a quiet ache.
Disappointment.
Resentment.
Emotional burnout.
Healing from a battle you never signed up for.
Grieving a loss that was never fully yours.
Carrying guilt that refuses to let go.

And then it all merges.

Not just this moment — but a hundred moments before it.
All those quiet goodbyes you never got to process.
All the times someone left, or didn’t show up, right when you needed them the most.

If you’re reading this with a lump in your throat and a little shame on your back…

You’re not broken.
You’re waking up to the wound.
You’re standing in the rubble of a connection that meant something to you.
You’re grieving not just what happened — but what never did.
The future you imagined.
The version of you who thought love had to be earned.
The energy you gave when you had nothing left to give.

And that?
That’s the beginning of everything.

It means you felt.
It means you cared.
It means something in you is ready to stop abandoning yourself.

You’re not alone!

What Is Abandonment?

Abandonment isn’t just about being left — it’s about being left with it. With the ache, the silence, the unanswered questions. It’s the moment you realized your needs might be too big, your emotions too loud, or your very presence somehow too much — or not enough to make them stay.

Sure, the dictionary defines abandonment as:
“The act of leaving someone behind, especially when they need support.”

But that doesn’t even scratch the surface because abandonment isn’t just a moment — it’s a lived and felt experience. It’s the empty chair where safety, reassurance and care should have been. It’s the lump in your throat you learned to swallow. It’s wearing the “I’m fine” mask while your heart is quietly begging someone — anyone — to notice that you’re not.

Abandonment wounds don’t all look the same. Some are loud, obvious blatant exits, slammed doors, ghosted texts. Others are quiet. Subtle. So woven into the everyday, the fabric of childhood or relationships that you miss them entirely… until the pattern starts repeating.

The 3 Core Types of Abandonment

This framework isn’t tied to one official source or psychological model. Instead, it’s a powerful lens used by many trauma-informed practitioners, somatic therapists, and coaches to explore the different ways abandonment shows up — physically, emotionally, and internally. It draws from attachment theory, inner child work, and lived experience.

Abandonment isn’t one-size-fits-all — it wears many faces. Some wounds are carved by those who physically left. Others by those who stayed, but weren’t truly there. And some? We learn to inflict on ourselves just to survive.

However, it’s not about boxing yourself into categories. It’s about recognizing the shapes abandonment can take — so you can finally name what you felt, what you adapted to, and what you deserve to heal from. You might recognize one, or relate to all three. Either way, this is about understanding, not self-blame.

1. Physical Abandonment

Is when someone literally leaves. The absence is obvious, but the impact runs deep.

What it teaches you: People leave when it gets hard. You’re too much. You’re not worth sticking around for.

2. Emotional Abandonment

This one’s sneakier — because they didn’t leave, but they also weren’t there.

What it teaches you: Your emotions are inconvenient. Your needs push people away. It’s safer to bottle it all up.

3. Internal / Self-Abandonment

This one you learn. You adopt it. To stay safe. To stay loved. To survive.

What it teaches you: To keep others, you have to leave yourself.

“You are not too much. You have just been asked to shrink for a world that wasn’t ready for your fullness.”

— Alexandra Elle

Take The Quiz

Find out the depth of your Abandonment wound and get a free workbook to help support you!

Take The Quiz

Podcast

Listen to the relating Podcast

Listen

Where Abandonment Wounds Begin

Abandonment wounds shape the way we love, connect, and protect ourselves. Whether it happened once, or over and over again — it leaves a mark.

And no, it usually doesn’t start with the partner who ghosted you or the friend who forgot your birthday. It begins long before that — often in moments so subtle, you may have brushed them off at the time. Moments when you reached out as a child and no one reached back. When someone’s tone said, “Not now.” When your feelings were too big for the room — so you learned to hide them away.

These early emotional ruptures don’t just disappear. They imprint.
And when they go unacknowledged, they don’t stay in the past — they echo. They ripple into how we form relationships, how we respond to closeness, how we set (or struggle with) boundaries… even how we show up at work, in friendships, and with ourselves.

Common Sources of Abandonment Wounds

Abandonment wounds don’t appear out of nowhere — they’re shaped by lived experience, nervous system imprints, and the messages we absorb over time, they’re moments of disconnection that leave your body on high alert, and your sense of self a little shakier.

These aren’t clinical labels or diagnostic categories — they’re emotional truths that explain how many people carry the pain of being left, unseen, or unheard and how that pain gets wired in over time.

Let’s look at where these wounds often begin, and how they tend to repeat showing below the most common form and how they tend to get reinforced:

1. Childhood

What it is: Early experiences that teach love is conditional and your needs are “too much.”

How it harms: Conditions you to self-abandon, overfunction, or believe connection = performance.

2. Adulthood

What it is: Modern-day experiences that reinforce childhood abandonment themes.

What it protects you from: You over-adapt or shut down to avoid rejection — but it isolates you more.

3. Systemic / Cultural

What it is: Larger systems and societal norms that invalidate or invisibilize your needs.

How it harms: Encodes the belief that invisibility = safety. Keeps you quiet, small, and disconnected from your truth.

Big T Trauma vs little t trauma

Not all trauma comes with a headline-worthy siren and spotlight. Sometimes it’s not what happened, but what didn’t happen — the comfort that never came, the words you needed but didn’t hear, the presence that was missing when it mattered most.

“Big T” trauma is what we usually think of — car accidents, violence, major losses which are acute, overwhelming events that shock the system. But “little t” trauma can be just as shaping — emotional neglect, chronic invalidation, growing up in a home where love felt like something you had to earn. It’s quieter, but just as powerful — especially when repeated over time.

Both kinds of trauma rewire the nervous system. Both are real. Both matter. And both can be healed — with time, support, safety and the right tools.

"Big T” Trauma

What it is: Sudden, life-altering events that overwhelm your nervous system.

How it impacts: Leaves the body in hypervigilance; can cause PTSD or dissociation.

“Little t” Trauma

What it is:Repeated moments that chip away at your sense of safety and worth.

Why it matters: These accumulate into CPTSD — complex trauma that rewires your sense of identity, worth, and relational safety.

How Abandonment Manifests Today

When we talk about abandonment wounds, it’s not just about what happened then — it’s about how it echoes now. People need to be able to see themselves in this, not in vague theory, but in the real ways it shows up day to day. Maybe it looks like a fear of intimacy, or that quiet but constant dread that everyone will leave eventually. It might surface as panic when someone pulls away — even just a little — or in over-pleasing and shape-shifting in relationships just to keep the peace. Sometimes it’s anger that feels way too big for the moment, but really, it’s years of unmet needs bubbling to the top.

These are all signs of abandonment wounds — and they often track directly with our nervous system’s survival modes. It’s not just emotional—it’s biological. And recognizing this is step one in breaking the cycle.

Nervous System Responses to Abandonment

When we’ve felt abandoned — emotionally or physically — our nervous system remembers. It starts to protect us in sneaky ways like lashing out, shutting down, avoiding closeness, or people-pleasing to keep the peace.

These are called survival responses — Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn — They’re not flaws. They’re the nervous system trying to keep us safe — even if those protections now get in the way of intimacy, trust, or connection.

If any of this sounds familiar, it’s not because you’re “too sensitive” or “dramatic” — it’s because your body remembers what your mind may have learned to downplay. And the first step in healing isn’t fixing — it’s recognizing and being aware of it’s patterns. This is how the wound shows up. Not to shame you, but to show you where you get to start reconnecting.

1. Fight

What it is: Protecting through control or anger — so you don’t have to feel powerless.

2. Flight

What it is: Escaping discomfort by staying busy or distant.

What it protects you from: Being overwhelmed by emotions you weren’t taught how to hold.

3. Freeze

What it is: Shutting down — your system goes offline to survive.

What it protects you from: The overwhelm of feeling too much with no tools to process it.

4. Fawn

What it is: Shape-shifting into who others need you to be — at your own expense.

What it protects you from: Abandonment. If you’re needed, maybe you won’t be left.

Attachment Styles

Once our nervous system forms a survival strategy, our attachment style follows when we’ve experienced abandonment — whether it was loud and obvious or subtle and chronic — our nervous system gets to work building a blueprint for connection on how to seek closeness, how to guard your heart, and how to cope with the risk of being left again.

Attachment styles are part of that blueprint. Some cling. Some retreat. Some do both at once. They’re not flaws or fixed labels and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. They’re adaptations and ways your body and brain learned to stay safe, seek closeness, or avoid pain.

Each style has its own rhythm. But none of them mean you’re broken. Understanding yours isn’t about boxing yourself in — it’s about giving yourself a map. And with awareness and safety? You can learn to choose new routes and rewrite it.

1. Secure

What it is: A grounded nervous system that feels safe giving and receiving connection.

How it helps: Creates stable, mutual, respectful relationships rooted in trust.

2. Anxious

What it is: A constant fear of being left, masked as people-pleasing or over-connection.

What it protects you from: Feeling unworthy or invisible — tries to earn connection.

3. Avoidant

What it is: Keeping people at a distance to avoid the pain of closeness or disappointment.

What it protects you from: Feeling engulfed, rejected, or emotionally exposed.

4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)

What it is: Push-pull dynamics born from chaotic or traumatic attachment experiences.

What it protects you from: The unbearable risk of connection paired with the pain of abandonment.

Unlearning Abandonment

The inner mechanics of abandonment — is not just as an external experience “they left” but as an internalized survival pattern “so I left myself”. It’s about recognizing the subtle and loud ways abandonment shows up in your life, how it hijacks your nervous system, distorts your sense of self, and keeps you stuck in relationships where you’re starving instead of nourished.

For those who are neurodivergent, these patterns often start early — and run deep. You were “too sensitive,” “too intense,” “too literal,” “too much” — or maybe just too misunderstood. Not because anything was wrong with you, but because the world wasn’t built with your wiring in mind. If you live with CPTSD the story goes even deeper. Safety wasn’t just missing — it was replaced with chaos. Inconsistency. Gaslighting. Abandonment laced with shame. And when love and fear came from the same source? Your nervous system had to learn fast “adapt or be hurt”.

Over time, you learned to contort to sense danger in the slightest shifts of tone, to read people like the weather patterns and to anticipate needs of others over your own. what begins as fear of being left turns into something even more painful — the habit of leaving yourself. This isn’t about blame. It’s about recognition. Because the moment you understand these patterns isn’t the moment you fall apart — it’s the moment you begin coming home to yourself.

The Cycle of Abandonment

The cycle of abandonment is less a one-time heartbreak and more a looping emotional pattern that quietly runs the show — until we learn to name it. It often begins with idealization — someone feels like “home,” and we pour our hopes into them, believing they’ll finally fill the emotional void.

Next comes fusion — a blurring of boundaries, a craving for closeness so intense it starts to replace our sense of self. Then something shifts — a trigger, a pulling away — and panic sets in. Our nervous system spirals into overdrive, reacting not just to the present, but to every past wound it echoes. This leads to emotional collapse and self-abandonment — withdrawing, numbing, and blaming ourselves for needing too much.

Eventually, the cycle resets — either by romanticizing the same person or reaching for someone new, hoping they’ll “do it right this time.” Beneath it all? A re-enactment of old wounds, often rooted in childhood — a desperate attempt to earn love, safety, and belonging. Breaking the cycle starts with awareness — naming the pattern, staying with the feelings instead of reacting, and slowly, steadily learning how to give yourself the love and stability you’ve been outsourcing for far too long.

Being Abandoned vs. Self-Abandoning

Being abandoned is something that happened to you. It was out of your control. Someone left — physically, emotionally, energetically — and you were left holding the silence, the ache, the confusion. It was loss without explanation, resolution or comfort. Pain without closure hits differently.

Self-abandonment is what you learned to do after. It’s the strategy your nervous system built to protect you from feeling that pain again, its your survival instincts taking over to protect you from future harm. It’s not your fault — it’s adaptation. When it didn’t feel safe to be your full self, you learned to shrink. To suppress your needs. To go quiet instead of rock the boat. To disconnect from your own emotions just to stay connected to someone else or avoid them all together.

But here’s the truth! One was done to you. The other you picked up to survive. And now, as the grown, aware version of you? You get to stop repeating what they started. Healing is choosing not to leave yourself — even if they did. Especially if they did. You’re worthy of growth and healthy companionships.

Being Abandoned Looks Like:

What it is: Someone else emotionally or physically withdraws when you need support.

What it teaches your system: “Your needs are unsafe. You’re better off silencing them.”

Self-Abandoning Looks Like:

What it is: You leave yourself before others can — out of fear, not failure.

What it protects you from: The pain of rejection. But it deepens the wound it was trying to avoid.

Healing Abandonment Wounds

Healing abandonment wounds isn’t about becoming “unbothered” or pretending you never needed anyone — it’s about learning to meet those needs with love, not shame. It’s peeling back the layers of defense you built to survive and letting your real self breathe again.

Healing means practicing safety in your own body, learning how to stay present with your pain without abandoning yourself, and gently rewriting the story that says love has to cost you your truth. It’s not about becoming invulnerable — it’s about becoming rooted. Because when you stop ghosting yourself, you start attracting people who won’t either.

Words That Heal vs. Words That Harm

When someone’s healing from abandonment, how we respond to their pain can either reinforce the wound or help repair it. Dismissive language might seem small, but it echoes old messages of “You don’t matter” or “You’re too much.”

On the other hand, validating language creates safety — the very thing abandonment stole. You don’t have to have the perfect script. Just speak from empathy, not discomfort. Words that say “I see you” can be more healing than silence ever was.

🚫 What Not to Say

What it is: Phrases that dismiss or shame someone’s experience.

Why it hurts: Reinforces the abandonment wound by minimizing or invalidating pain.

✅ Try This Instead

What it is: Empathic language that creates emotional safety.

How it helps: Affirms emotional truth. Builds connection. Reduces shame.

💥 Why It Matters

What it is: The ripple effect of language on healing.

Why it’s powerful: Words can retraumatize — or repair. You get to choose which.

Abandonment First Aid Kit

When the sting of abandonment flares up, what you need isn’t to “be stronger” — it’s to feel safer. This Abandonment First Aid Kit is here for just that: practical, compassionate tools that help you stay with yourself in moments you’d normally check out. From trauma-informed therapy to a playlist that softens your nervous system, these practices aren’t about fixing you — they’re about tending to the parts of you that have been left behind.

Whether you’re humming to calm your Vagus nerve, journaling your truth, or holding your heart with your own hands, each small act becomes a signal: “I’m here.” “I won’t leave you.” Over time, these moments become a bridge — not just to healing, but to wholeness.

💛 Get Support

Sometimes healing requires more than insight — it needs safe relationships, skilled support, and tools that can help you unlearn the belief that you have to do it all alone.

This isn’t about fixing you. It’s about finding guidance that helps you remember who you were before the survival patterns took over. Therapy and inner work offer a mirror, a map, and a holding space — especially when your past left you feeling unseen, unheard, or unworthy.

Here are some powerful paths you can explore:

Trauma-Informed Therapy

What it is: A therapy approach rooted in nervous system awareness, safety, and consent.

How it helps: Rebuilds a felt sense of safety — the missing foundation for lasting healing.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing)

What it is: A trauma therapy that uses bilateral stimulation to rewire stuck memories.

What it protects you from: Staying stuck in trauma loops or retraumatizing yourself in talk therapy.

IFS (Internal Family Systems)

What it is: A therapy model that helps you meet your inner “parts” with compassion.

How it helps: Heals shame, self-conflict, and inner fragmentation. Turns “what’s wrong with me?” into “what do I need?”

Attachment-Focused Therapy

What it is: Therapy designed to heal attachment wounds and form secure bonds.

How it helps: Creates a roadmap to secure relationships — starting with your own self-connection.

Emotional Release Acupuncture

What it is: A body-based approach to trauma healing using meridian points.

Why it helps: Ideal for people who are “talked out” or need a more somatic route to relief.

Inner Child Work

What it is: A practice of reconnecting with, understanding, and nurturing your younger self.

How it helps: Heals abandonment at the root. Transforms self-criticism into self-care.

🫂 Self Sooth

Trauma doesn’t just live in the mind — it lingers in the body. And that’s why healing has to happen there, too.

These practices gently bring you out of your head and back into your body, where regulation, presence, and reconnection live. Whether you’re feeling disconnected, hyper-alert, or emotionally overwhelmed, somatic tools offer an anchor — no talking required.

Use them when words fall short. Use them when your nervous system is screaming quietly. Use them to remind yourself: “I am here.” “I am safe.”

Here are a few that can support your journey:

Guided Meditation Apps

What it is: Apps offering structured mindfulness practices for emotional support.

(Use: Insight Timer or Calm)

Why it helps: Helps regulate your state when sitting in silence feels impossible.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Tapping)

What it is: A rhythmic tapping technique using acupressure points and focused statements.

How it helps: Discharges stuck emotion while keeping you grounded — great for anxiety and emotional flooding.

Qi Gong

What it is: A gentle movement practice combining breath, intention, and energy flow.

Why it helps: Supports trauma recovery through non-verbal, embodied practice. Restores flow where there’s been freeze.

Weighted Blankets

What it is: Therapeutic blankets applying soft, even pressure across your body.

Why it helps: Creates a physical sense of safety — like a hug when no one’s there.

Acupressure Mats

What it is: Mats lined with small spikes to stimulate acupoints across the body.

Why it helps: Relieves stress somatically — a tool for reconnecting with your body when emotional pain feels diffuse or vague.

📚 Learn

When you understand what’s happening, you stop blaming yourself for it.

Learning is part validation, part empowerment — it gives you tools, language, and perspective. This isn’t about information overload; it’s about choosing resources that feel like gentle guides, not lectures.

Here’s a little library of growth to explore at your own pace:

Journal Prompts for Self-Abandonment Repair

Questions like: When do I feel myself disappear? What did I need that I didn’t get? Writing it out helps your truth land on paper — and in your body.

Podcasts on Nervous System & Inner Child Healing

Listen while walking, driving, or curling up in bed. Some episodes feel like free therapy. Look for hosts with trauma-informed backgrounds (like The Holistic Psychologist, The Mind-Body Podcast, or Therapy Chat).

Courses / Workshops on Boundaries, Somatic Safety, or Self-Compassion

Sometimes we need structured support. Live or self-paced courses offer community and momentum. Think of them as training wheels while you learn to stay with yourself.

Chakra or TCM Body Maps for Self-Inquiry

These ancient systems can help you explore where different emotional wounds might be stored. Use them as somatic check-ins: What’s my heart saying today? What truth is stuck in my throat?