Truth is, my journey didn’t begin with me wanting to heal for myself. It began because I wanted to be “enough” for someone else…
The Journey
My healing, holistic, and spiritual journey was born out of turmoil. At times I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I made a decision that I wasn’t going to give up on myself the way others had.
This journey has been, and still is, about overcoming both inner and outer conflicts. Along the way I’ve stumbled into moments of peace, growth, and transformation as I learn to navigate new terrain. Over the last few years, I’ve developed a self-awareness of just how much I’d been striving to be:
less broken > less damaged = more lovable!
I’d spent a lifetime surviving my relationships, desperately trying to prove wrong the story that had rooted itself deep in my mind — the story that I was doomed to be unappreciated and unloved — FOREVEEEEEER!
The Pattern
This journey has taught me how much I had tied my sense of worth to others. If their effort, investment, consistency, or capacity was strong, I felt secure, needed and worthy. But if my time, energy, or care was met with avoidance, distance, or silence, I’d collapse into doubt, lose my self-worth and spiralled into a doom-tornado until there was nothing ‘worthy’ left in me. In short, their presence became proof that I mattered; their absence became evidence that I didn’t.
If conflict or repair was needed and they didn’t prioritise reconciliation, I translated that into: ‘I’m not enough to fight for’. I embraced the parts of me they approved of and shoved them into the spotlight like a Panto at Christmas. Anything else was banished — numbed out like novocaine, locked away and forgotten about in the closet of doom. If I wasn’t needed, I felt useless, unloved and inadequate.
Further into my journey I began to see the cracks in the walls, the fragility in the scaffolding, the crumbling of the pillars of my relationship temple. When one wall caved, the whole structure began to shake and started to crumble into one big messy Tomb. I realised I’d built different masks for different rooms — a personality for everyone.
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Myself
I abandoned parts of me I thought were “bad.”
Romantic
I made their approval the proof of my value.
Family
I feared silence more than conflict, so I became the loudest voice in the room.
🤝 Friendship
I over-gave, hoping usefulness = belonging.
Work
I measured worth through productivity and others’ praise.
Spiritual
I treated the Universe like I was it's victim. That life was happening to me.
The Impact
One thing I’m still learning is the impact these patterns leave behind. When trust is broken, the ground beneath you doesn’t just crack — it caves in. And when your vulnerability isn’t met by the right person, it isn’t intimacy at all. It’s exposure.
Without boundaries, I’ve learned the hard way, vulnerability is just handing over your rawness with no protection. I did this again and again, mistaking exposure for connection.
And when trust fails and vulnerability is mishandled, shame comes rushing in. Brené Brown calls shame the silent killer of joy, and that’s exactly how it feels. It freezes you in place, whispering, “You’re not enough. You don’t deserve better.”
These moments leave you lonely — not just the loneliness of being without someone, but the deeper ache of feeling unseen and unsafe with someone. That kind of loneliness eats away at self-worth.
But here’s the part I’m finally seeing: loneliness can also be a teacher. It’s the space where you learn to stop abandoning yourself, and start finding the safe people who will honour your trust, hold your vulnerability with care, and respect your boundaries. It’s the space where shame begins to loosen its grip.
When The Body Speaks
So when my body started to shout before my mind listened. Where my broken heart felt like my chest was splitting open, my feelings overwhelmed me, my throat swelled as my voice went unheard and my stomach twisted in knots.
My nervous system had hit red alert! I became the sinking Titanic, freezing, fawning and drowning without a life vest; I had to hit rock bottom under the weight of everything before anything began to change.
I had to get off the merry-go-round, stop the doom-tornado, and let the dust settle so I could finally see beyond the chaos. The lifelines I reached for were:
Meditation
My anchor, the stop button I didn’t know I needed, the space I learned compassion and created a safe space in my mind.
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Journaling
The safe place my thoughts could land, be extracted from my head onto a page for me to see from another perspective.
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Reiki
Woo-woo, placebo or not — it was a lifeline, a doorway to the startling realisation that I had the power to begin healing myself.
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Mindfulness
It helped me see the world differently — beauty in the ordinary, presence in the moment.
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Gratitude
It shifted my thoughts, rewired my focus, and turned scarcity into appreciation.
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The Lessons
This journey hasn’t been a straight line. I’ve fallen back into old habits more times than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I needed different coping mechanisms. Sometimes I didn’t bounce back as quickly as before. But the bottom line is this:
I got back up. I didn’t give up on me. I chose myself — again and again!
For a long time, I saw things like shame, loneliness, or my survival responses as proof that I was broken. They felt like failures, reminders that I couldn’t “get it right.” But slowly, I’ve come to see them differently. These experiences weren’t just obstacles — they were teachers. Each one has been showing me something about who I am, what I need, and how I want to live.
With every trigger, there’s something new to discover. Every fall is also an invitation to rediscover myself. Here’s what they’ve been teaching me:
Trust
When it breaks, it shows me where true safety lives.
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Shame
The silent joy killer, whispering “you’re not enough.”
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Vulnerability
Without reciprocity, it isn’t intimacy — it’s exposure.
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Boundaries
Without them, I gave away my rawness with no protection.
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Loneliness
Not just being alone, but feeling unseen and unsafe with others.
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Trauma
Silence and people pleasing kept me safe, but also small.
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Why I Share My Story
The reason I share so openly about my own life is because I know how isolating this can feel. My hope is that in reading my words, you find pieces of your own story — and realise you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. If any of this feels relatable, let it be a reminder: your journey matters too.
So, PLEASE Don’t give up on yourself. No matter how many times you fall back into old patterns, remember this: every stumble is also a doorway. It’s about progress, not perfection. Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s choosing, again and again, to come back to yourself — one day at a time. You are not broken, you are becoming. You ARE worth discovering! — not through someone else’s eyes, but through your own.
Start small. One breath, one page in a journal, one hand on your heart. These little moments matter more than you think. Your worth is not measured by someone’s consistency, approval, or attention. It’s measured by your willingness to keep coming home to yourself!
You don’t have to walk this path alone. That’s why I share journaling groups, Reiki sessions, Meditation classes and Mindfulness courses — to create safe spaces where we can rediscover ourselves together.
The Invitation
If this resonated with you, I’d love to support your journey too.
You can explore my Journals, eBooks, Journaling groups, Reiki sessions, and Mindfulness classes — each one is designed to give you the same lifelines that helped me: a safe space to pause, reflect, and begin again.
From guided journals and eBooks for self-reflection, to courses and energy healing sessions, you’ll find tools and spaces that gently remind you:
You’re worth discovering.
